Arriving safely…

24 Feb

“So many people tiptoe through life, so carefully, to arrive, safely, at death.” — Jermaine Evans

I think I lived my life like the above quote for too many years, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to be wild. I want to live and die by my decisions and I want to make choices based on how I feel. I want to learn to be a little more selfish. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that’s how I feel. I have made entirely too many choices that have only ended up hurting people just because I didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to stand up and say no. So, I’m going to work on saying no, instead of saying yes, when I really want to say no. I can’t be honest or true to anyone else if I don’t learn (quickly) how to be true and honest to myself.

On an unrelated note, I’m going to attempt this list of 101 things in 1001 days. Basically, you set 101 goals for yourself and attempt to accomplish them all in 1001 days. I think what I really need is goals, not plans. Plans are like cages, goals are like open highways. In fact, the word plan is a little tricky. I think I like ideas, and I like goals, but stone-set plans might not be something that I can handle at this moment.

Also, with my birthday much less than a month away, I’m super unhappy, as I am every year about this time. The difference this year is, it’s 23 and I’m so pissed that I’m not done with college yet that it’s giving me an extra hard slap in the face. I didn’t see my life looking like this at 23, not five years ago when I thought about it, and not even a year ago when I thought about it. I am attempting to convince myself that this isn’t bad, that I haven’t graduated for good reason (if we consider the Army a good reason), not because I’m not interested in college, or because I’m not smart enough, or dedicated enough to keep going. Eventually, I will get my degree and I will stop stressing. What scares me is all the stuff that has to happen, or that will happen, before that point.

In closing, Happy Weekend!!

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