Starting 46

2 Mar

Okay, it’s day two and I’ve been itching to throw myself into the list. I’m excited about accomplishing things and actually tracking them. I feel, at almost 23, pretty much unaccomplished, and, while I’m sure I’ve done something important in the past 1001 days, it’s hard to think back over it all now. I suppose I did a lot, although, looking back on it now, not all of it really turned out that well.

As for the list, let’s begin with #46. I haven’t actually sat down and created a list of 25 songs that inspire me or mean the world to me, and, frankly, I don’t find it necessary. I want to write about the songs and add them to my list as I think of them, as I listen to them, and as I realize that they inspire me. I don’t want to be confined to a pre-set list of 25 songs that I will have to write about over the next 1001 days. I would rather be free to write about a song as it comes on at exactly the right moment when I need it. In honesty, I added #46 to the list because I wanted a reason to force myself to write about certain times in my life, times so important that I have songs, and even albums, that define them. So, it’s not so much about deciding what music is important to me, or what songs I like. It’s about writing about experiences. So, without further ado:

# Forty-Six (46)
The First Song
“Motorcycle Drive By” – Third Eye Blind
(for full lyrics, click here.)

If I have a personal break-up song, or end of friendship song, or end of a era song, it’s this one. This song has guided me through some of the hardest personal relationship moments of my life. It is the chorus, (“I’ve never been so alive, and I’ve never been so alone”) above all else, that has given me constant strength through absolutely desperate moments of loneliness. If I’ve learned anything, it is that there is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. I’ve learned that I can be alone, but that doesn’t always mean that I have to also be lonely.

I found this song in high school, and I can say honestly that it played a large part in a different great escape, one that happened when I joined the Army. It’s an escape artist song, a song to listen to with the windows down, and in fact, it is one of my all time favorite car songs. I can’t even begin to explain how many times I’ve listened to this song as I’ve driven away from numerous disasters. It’s a song I’ve cried to about a million times, but also a song that has inspired me to be okay.

“And there’s this burning,
Like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone,
And I’ve never been so alive,”

If there’s a few words that speak about freedom, it’s the above few words. Being alone can equal being alive and being absolutley free.

“Cigarette ash flies in your eyes,
And you don’t mind,
And you smile,
And say the world
it doesn’t fit with you.
I don’t believe you,
You’re so serene,
Careening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
Guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,”

I think with this part, it’s the taking a piece of me that gets me everytime. I have a hard time believing we ever love someone without taking something, and in turn, giving a part of ourselves to them. There will forever be certain things that remind me of certain people and pieces of my life that I feel I’ve given away, for better or for worse.

“And this will be the last time,
We’ll be friends again,
I’ll get over you and you’ll wonder,
Who I am,”

This is the part of the song where I draw the most strength. It’s the admittance of an end, the realization portion, if you will, that begs acknowledgement of the end of, not only of a love affair, but also of a friendship. To me, it’s that part that says, okay, look, this was fun, but you’re fucking killing me and I can’t be around anymore. And then, at the last part, that person will wonder who I am, what I am, just wonder about me in general…

“I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I’m not thinking of you again,”

XXX

To close, that’s part one of 25 for number 46 off my list, and I also managed to cross something else off between today and yesterday, but I’m not going to talk about it until it’s where I want it to be and until I post about it.

Additionally, this might be the shittiest Friday in the history of my life, but, eventually, it will end and I can go to sleep and hopefully not dream, and not think, and just breath, and maybe, for once, I won’t wake up totally wrapped up like a damn cocoon in my blankets, and maybe, when I wake up my entire body, to include my heart, won’t hurt so damn much.

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