If I must make a confession

7 Mar

I took this picture while out with the wonderful Team CSM on Saturday, 3 March 2007. What stood out to me the most was the faces of the children we saw, and how much emotion they seem to hide in their eyes. One child would not smile, even when we handed out candy, but had these beautiful blue eyes that held so much. It was moving, and breathtaking, and heartbreaking all at once to see a child that seemed physically unable to smile.

Going out with the CSM Team to visit the local populace was much needed. Friday was, unfortunately, my breaking point and my roll around in self-loathing day; however, going out on Saturday helped me realize that I really don’t have it that bad. I have shoes. And running water. And electricity. And food. And a shower. And a toothbrush. And a whole multitude of unnecessary things that I don’t even need to survive.

I get very easily sucked into my thoughts and it’s entirely too easy for me get bogged down in all the bullshit and stress that, sometimes, I need reminders that my life, regardless of whatever issues I’m stressing myself out about, it isn’t that bad.

It’s a sad irony to me that I saw a child that wouldn’t (or couldn’t) smile, yet here I am, with #98, learn to cry again, on my list. Maybe it’s a similar condition – I’m going to call in numbness. I cried on Friday, uncontrollably, which just pissed me off. But then, over the weekend, watching super sad moments in Grey’s Anatomy I couldn’t cry, although I remember being able to when I first watched those episodes. It’s like, when I do cry, it’s all of it that I’ve stored for a month and it’s this uncontrollable mess, then, that’s it, no more tears, no matter how much I want them. Really though, there are a lot more tragic things in the world than me not being able to release tears, and, instead of focusing on my issues and stressing myself out, I’m going to attempt to think about someone else, or, multiple someone elses going through much tougher times than me.

Lastly, my battle buddy fixed my truck, although I still don’t have it back because his truck is in the shop. I want it back. It feels weird not to have it parked out front.


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