Yesterday, when I thought I wasn’t ok, someone asked me what I meant by “ok.” What does it mean when people say, “it’s ok?” and, furthermore, is ok just a lie we tell ourselves?
What does it mean to be ok? Is ok a happy medium between horrible and wonderful, or is it similar to “just fine?”
In searching for the right answer, and, as put differently, in searching for myself, I found the following definition:
from American Heritage Dictionary
OK 1 or o·kay (ō-kā’)
n. pl. OK’s or o·kays Approval; agreement:
Get your supervisor’s OK before taking a day off. adj.
1. Agreeable; acceptable: Was everything OK with your stay?
2. Satisfactory; good: an OK fellow.
3. Not excellent and not poor; mediocre: made an OK presentation.
4. In proper or satisfactory operational or working order: Is the battery OK?
5. Correct: That answer is OK.
6. Uninjured; safe: The skier fell but was OK.
7. Fairly healthy; well: Thanks to the medicine, the patient was OK.
Mediocre? I’m mediocre? Yes, I am. I’m not a mess of emotion and I’m not a bright shining bubble of joy. So, I’m mediocre, and, I suppose, I’m “ok.”
Am I “in proper or satisfactory operational or working order?” I think so. I can be a bitch sometimes (it just happens), but I get my work done. I get to work everyday on time, or early most days. Granted, I leave at exactly 1700 every day, except for days when I call home, or days when I wait for some unknown something to happen.
So, I guess I am ok, based on the above definition. I’m not splendid. I’m not marvelous. I’m not horrible. I’m not wretched. I’m just ok, which, after learning more, is, in fact, quite similar to just fine.
Regardless of whether or not I’m ok, I hate it when people tell me that it will be ok, because what if it won’t be? Nothing is ever totally ok. That’s just how it works. Life can be mostly ok, but I think there’s always something that isn’t exactly where or what it’s supposed to be. I know, I know, that all sounds depressing, but I’m not depressed. I’m ok.
Additionally, I realized last night that I don’t know myself. I have a hard time answering questions about what I like or who I am. I hate those “tell me about yourself” things, and maybe it’s because I just don’t know the answers. I think I’ve defined myself by the other people in my life for far too long, and I need to work on that. I blame this whole thing, of course, on being a Pisces, largely due to recent conversations with another Pisces female. We, the Pisces ladies, are pretty easy to get along with and we’re extremely likely to go along with what others want to avoid conflict or to enhance the happiness of the ones we love. Seeing our loved ones happy is a form of happiness for me.
My only concern is that I’ll become selfish. I know somewhere in there, there’s a happy medium between caring only for others and caring only for myself, I’ve just got to find it and learn to ask myself questions before I make big decisions. I need to ask myself if what I’m about to do is what I want, because, ultimately, if I make a decision that affects others that isn’t a decision I want, then in the end I’ll only hurt myself and everyone else involved. I think I’ve learned this, the hard way, but I’m hoping I can reteach myself how to enter into decision making processes.
Hmmm…the Great Escape – this deployment really is my great escape. It’s an escape into myself and I’ve learned more about myself and about life in the past six months then I think I learned in the first 22 years of my life. It’s been good. Again, I’d like to say that I’m glad to be here, that I love this mission and that Kosovo is an amazing place to discover yourself.
Lastly, I’ve started channeling my energy through photography. I got a new camera for Christmas and have just recently picked it up and really started playing with and I’m determined to discover the limitations of it, and also what I can expect to get out of it. I want to remember this year, especially since I’m in Kosovo, and what better way to remember it then through photos?