Losing sight

2 Apr

I came to the realization yesterday that I have lost sight of my original goal in creating my 101 in 1001 list. I made the list to help make myself better, not so I could delight in crossing things off. I’ve craved crossing things off, and my desire to do so has gotten in the way of really focusing on the big issues like handling my anger better and learning to trust people. The point of the list is to know myself better, to push myself to accomplish goals, and to make myself a better person.

So, with that thought in mind, I’m going to use this blog as a place for personal exploration. I decided yesterday that I need to do some thinking about #91 (stop taking my anger out on the ones I love), and address why I do such things as yell at the people that mean the most to me.

To be brutally honest with myself about myself, in every personal relationship I’ve ever had, I go through this phase of pushing people away. I blame it on all sorts of things like mood swings, PMS, high stress, bad days, other people and so on and so forth. It’s an endless list of excuses. I don’t why I do this, but inevitably it happens in every personal relationship I have, from friendships on up. I don’t really have a reason for it, although I think it’s partly rationalized in my head as being some sort of test, as in, “okay, if you can deal with me being mega-bitch, then you can stay,” or, “if you really love me and care about me then I can be the devil and you won’t leave.”

I’m not saying it’s right. In fact, I’m saying it’s wrong and I hate that I do it, but to be quite honest, it’s partly out of my control. Mega-bitch takes over in my head and while I can feel myself saying hateful things and generally being ridiculous and annoying, another part of me just stands by and lets it slide. I swear I’m not normally that hateful, but the insecure parts of me, the scared parts of me, the commitment-shy parts of me feel it necessary to be a bitch sometimes.

The worst and the best of it is that it never really succeeds in pushing anyone way, which, as far as I’m concerned, is not what I want. I’ve been blessed with very understanding, very loving people in my life that have stood by me through these phases of bitchines, and for that I am so thankful. The worst part is, I hurt people that I love, and that love me and that’s not something that I’m proud of, or that I want to do.

I’m sorry.

In thinking about #91, it also causes me to pause and think about my commitment issues, my temper issues and the way I treat the people close to me, plus all my other issues.

Ultimately, I’m thinking I can trace all this back to the commitment issue I have, which, incidentally, I didn’t realize I had until this year. I think my desire to run away stems from it, my desire to move or drastically change the scenery around me every three years or so stems from it, I think my anger and hostility toward the people I care about it stems from it, and I think I really need to find a way to get the fuck over it.

Currently, I’m admitting it to myself that behaving this way is totally inappropriate, and that I need to drastically change this behavior. I also think my emotional state is being affected by April, due to the seven year anniversary of David’s death that is quickly approaching. I don’t know how many times I had to say “April 6th” last week, due to people going on leave on that date and people scheduling things on that date, but every time I say it, I get this little ache at the very bottom of my heart. It hasn’t bothered me this much in a few years, and maybe it’s just that, due to my job, I’m constantly reminded of what day it is and how quickly the anniversary is approaching. It’s entirely too easy for me to reflect on that 16-year-old who thought life was difficult seven years ago before the death, and to reflect on how much his death changed my entire life and my entire view of what is “difficult.”

Yeah, it’s been seven years on Friday, and yeah, people told me a month after his death to get over it, but that’s not something I’m capable of. It’s not something I “get over.” It’s something I come to terms with, it’s something I forgive myself for, but David’s death is, and will forever be, an indelible mark on my memory and my emotional psyche.

So, in writing out all the deep dark thoughts I’ve had for the past week all in one sitting, I want to say that I’m going to try harder not to be hurtful, not to pick stupid fights, not to get angry over little things and hold them close to my heart for a week, and to try and let go of the blame that I hold for myself regarding David’s death. I have to learn that I am worth it, that it’s okay if people want me in their lives and that I’m not this horribly destructive force that could, at any moment, destroy their lives. I’m not that person. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a destructive person. I am a strong person, a beautiful person, a talented person and person worthy of love. I think focusing on that, more than focusing on the animosity I hold toward myself, will help me overcome this. I just have to teach myself that people loving me, that people getting close to me, and caring for me is okay.

I’m thinking maybe all this has something to do with my lack of close friends. I’ve had a great deal of acquaintances, but I’ve maintained very few close friends, and the ones that I have maintained are the ones that have been through heartbreak with me. I’m going to work on it, I promise.

If you read this far, I’m sorry. I think this blog is more a letter to myself than anything else, but thank you for taking the time to explore my insanity with me.

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