I’m starting to feel like I’m being pulled in all directions. I feel like there’s so much going on, maybe too much going on, and I can’t seem to resolve any issues because I can’t focus on one thing. I find myself bouncing back and forth from one issue to the next without really accomplishing anything.
I keep trying to get to the root of the problem, to the core of my stress, but I can’t seem to find it. I’ve found a few ways to release some of the anger I’ve been holding onto for so long, but it always seems to come back. So many of the issues are cyclical. I find myself making small progress, then I start to feel better about the situation, and then all of a sudden I’m back at the start point struggling to make sense of what’s happening. And then the anger comes back. And then the stress comes back.
I know that a lot of these issues will stop once I get home, but then, there’s the whole stress factor of going home, of picking up the pieces of my life again and trying to make some sense of it all.
I know my life after the deployment won’t look the same as it did before the deployment. At this point, I’ve been out of school for over a year, the marriage I started before I left for the deployment is over, and I’m a vastly different person. Nothing is the same, not even me, not even things I thought would stay constant. Ultimately, I’m faced with the daunting task of starting a brand new life in Richmond once I get home. Going back home will, in my mind, be like starting out as a freshman all over again. No friends, no connections, no real sense of stability. To be honest, the whole thing scares me.
I’d like to say I enjoy change, and to a certain extent, I do. There are parts of me that enjoy not knowing what’s going on, but there are also parts of me that want only to curl up under the sheets at the mere mention of change. I know that change is good, that, once I get my life put back together, I will be much, much happier than before, but still, it’s scary.
Maybe it’s because I’m talking about big change. Maybe if it was little change my mind would not be running through horrifying “what-if” scenarios at warp speed. Maybe if things didn’t keep falling into my lap every single day I would feel like I have a better grasp on things.
I just feel like there’s so much to think about. There’s the job I have right now, right here in Kosovo. There’s the upcoming end of deployment festivities that my office plans and leads. There’s the training that I have to go to for two weeks at the beginning of September so I can learn to be a leader. There’s the end of the deployment. There’s the people I work with. There’s the push to work on my skills for a job I don’t do here, but will do once I get home. There’s the divorce. There’s my personal relationships. There’s my desire to go back to school. There’s the need to find someplace new to live once I get home. There’s finding a job when I get home so I don’t starve to death. There’s the vacation I’m planning in January. There’s the pain in my knee from the five miles I ran yesterday evening. There’s…so much to accomplish and I have that desperate feeling of time running out. I hate that feeling. I’ve felt it before and it is, without a doubt, the feeling I hate the most.
I know I’ll be fine. Eventually. It’s just a matter of getting over a large series of really big hurtles. Huge hurtles. Ginormous hurtles. Scary hurtles. But, right now, right here, I’m scared. I just need to admit that. I know it’s okay to be scared. I know it’s okay to be unsure of things, and I know that I’ll get through it all and get over the hurtles, but until then, I just need to take it one day at a time.