Attempting to regain order in all aspects of me

8 Aug

There are about a million things on my mind today, but I’m lucky enough to have restored a small sense of order to my thought process, quite possibly because I decided to write about my stress yesterday instead of putting on the happy face and writing about the weather again.  I’ve always written my way through stress and life-altering events and why I didn’t do that sooner, I don’t know.  I’m still stressed, still confused, but after thinking deeply through most of yesterday, things seem a little more organized.  Organization is a good thing.  A very good thing. 

So, with me being on a binge to organize my thoughts, please bear with me while I attempt to write coherently about the things that have been on my mind in the last 24 hours. 

First, the blog post yesterday was the first time I have publicly admitted to getting a divorce.  Yes, my whole office knows and most members of my family know and my close friends all know, but I have, until yesterday, avoided really putting it out there.  I think doing so makes it that much more real, which is a good thing.  I have avoided writing about it mostly because I was concerned that he, as in the ex-husband, who we’ll call AB, was reading my blog and I really didn’t want to discuss it in the open.  However, now that I’m pretty sure he’s not reading it and now that he’s moved on and has a brand new girlfriend, I feel safe writing about it.  That’s doesn’t mean I will though, that just means I finally feel ready to admit it. 

Second, I’m blessed with awesome friends.  Thank you for being awesome. 

Third, I felt like crying all day yesterday.  I don’t know why I wanted to cry, but sometimes I just need it.  I am, after all, a Pisces, and sometimes we just need to cry.  Well, half-way through listening to songs that are known tear-jerkers, I saw this postsecret:


And I realized it’s my secret too.  Almost seven and a half years ago I lost a close friend to suicide (I kind of wrote about it here), and while I know it’s been years and years since it happened, it was probably one of the biggest life-altering events I’ve been through to date.  It changed me.  It made me who I am today.  When it happened, a lot of people told me to “get over it,” but that was something I was unable to do.  Losing someone to suicide is not something you get over.  It stays with you.  It molds you.  It changes you.  All of us that went through it, most of us at the age of 15 or 16, are changed because of his death. 

So yesterday, when I already felt like crying over a broad assortment of issues, a certain song came on, and my tears were suddenly because of this.  Because of David.  And while my desire to cry might not be immediately related to David or his death, somewhere in the middle of the crying, it becomes about him, about the loss of him, about what he would be doing today if he was still alive. 

It seems that in the past year since I left home I have cried more over David than I did in the first six years combined.  I’ve searched for reasons why this is, and all I come up with is that I’m no longer surrounded by people who are tired of hearing it.  AB didn’t understand why I still cried about something that happened so long ago, and I think being released from that relationship has also allowed me to release the tears and the hurt I held in for so many years.  Additionally, being here, away from home, and having so much time to contemplate my current place in life has led to a lot of self reflection, and that, in turn, has led to the resurfacing of several issues I thought I buried long ago.

Please note that I am not implying that my friends at home are unsupportive of my feelings toward David’s death.  It is, in fact, quite the opposite; however, I feel that, of the friends I remained close to over the years, many were either my friends at the time of the death, and most likely David’s friends as well; therefore bringing up my emotions and my hurt also causes their emotions and their hurt to resurface, which, if those persons have calmed and soothed their own hurt, the last thing I want to do is bring it all back up again.  The friends that I did not know at the time of David’s death have heard it all before, many, many times, therefore I am hesitant to bring it up yet again, as I am slightly embarrassed by my continued grief. 

I hope I’ve learned over the seven years since David left us that it’s okay to take your time with grief.  There is no time limit on hurt, nor is there a limit on how much you can hurt.  It just is.  There’s not a guide book that explains how to get through the grief of suicide, or any death for that matter, whether it be that of a significant other, a family member, or a friend.  Grief is different for everyone.  Some people can accept death, all death, as a natural progression in the cycle of life, while others cannot. 

Okay.  I’m almost done sharing feelings for today, but I’m going to leave you with one last postsecret because again, it’s my secret as well (and I have the tendency to draw flowers just like the one on this secret – weird).


One Response to “Attempting to regain order in all aspects of me”

  1. Joe August 16, 2007 at 3:28 PM #

    Wonderful post. Sad, of course, but well written. here’s a song that might relate to you, from Nils Lofgren:

    “Man in the Moon”
    just two lonley kids in school
    right before geometry
    my friend Jimmy lost his cool
    and he pulled a gun on me
    him and wanda used to date
    but that was over months ago
    thou shes been sen with me of late
    where just a couple friends moving slow
    now all of this I try to explain
    but Jimmy shook with way to much pain
    then he shot himself instead
    no one knows yet if he’s dead

    I wanna talk to the man in the moon
    maybe he has an extra room
    this place i hell, wanna cut out soon
    I wanna live with the man in the moon

    I’ve seen this kinda thing on tv
    but all of them were fat and 43
    hey I’m only 14 years old
    what kind of world am I living in
    if I colud live with the man in the moon
    just be a kid from july til’ june

    to hell with wanda
    to hell with this
    had to bury a friend before my first kiss
    I wanna life with some peace in it soon
    get me a rocket to the man in the moon
    I wanna live with the man in the moon


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