Out of the blue: shock

30 Aug

The first shock: a voice on the other end of the line. A mumbled hello.

I am dialing out of habit now, not out of hope, not even out of need. It’s something I do on Tuesdays and Thursdays when the office calms itself and I’m left alone. My eyes are glancing across news headlines that declare catastrophe and internally, subconsciously (for it truly is habit now), I’m still preparing myself for battle. I ready myself; harden the softer bits of me and prepare to fight for what I want, what I deem as right and correct and good. The beastly anger is released, without full consent, but still, I deem it necessary and welcome regardless of the non-consenting bits of me.

It’s unnecessary though. It’s not needed, not warranted, not even appropriate anymore, because, and forgive me, I might have forgotten, but it’s over.  All my battle accouterments are met with what seems like an apathetic kindness and then:

I miss you sometimes.

There are heartbeats in between my response and when it comes, it comes out jumbled, illogical, mismatched, but it’s my response nonetheless.

It’s a five minute shock attack.  I didn’t expect an answer, despite my battle-ready appearance, and then, there it is.  It is nice.  It is cordial.  It is not what I expected, it leaves me more confused, more vulnerable to attack and then it ends:

Take care.

And then it’s over.  Over.  It really is over, isn’t it?  Why do I need armor when the battle was waged months ago and the peace talks have started?  The treaty is nearing completion and I find myself, suddenly, shockingly, in full battle rattle let down, but relieved, sad but elated, calmer and more confused.  Duped.

I lack the language to say what I should.  I lack the ability to admit that I give a damn, that I still care, regardless of prior conversations, regardless of the bloody battle ground that mars our past.  I still want to know that we can both walk with heads held high, with neither of us claiming to be victim or victor.  What was is over, done, finished, but still, in between ponderings, I still hope for friendship, or, at the very least, a pleasant acquaintance.

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2 Responses to “Out of the blue: shock”

  1. (((((HUGS))))) sandi August 31, 2007 at 10:10 PM #

    I know I’m quietly lurking these days, and it’s not because I don’t care. I just don’t know what to say! This post made me cry. (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  2. Ash September 10, 2007 at 4:37 AM #

    Your feelings are known – it was in your eyes when you said goodbye. When you hugged, and you both looked at each other with tears in your eyes. It was clear to see – I was there. He knows. And cares, too.

    Sometimes, T., all your feelings are in your eyes, no words are needed.

    Love you.

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