I’ll sing a little song for you

24 Apr

From my 101 in 1001 challenge comes the fabulous, somewhat tedious, possibly embarrassing #46: Make a list of at least 25 songs that mean the world to me, then blog about each one. So far, after 420 of my 1001 days have passed, I’ve only written about four songs. Which, in case this isn’t obvious makes me a total slacker.

I thought this task would be so easy. Music is what drives me. There is nothing I enjoy more than finding a perfect song for a perfect moment, or mood, or emotion, or situation, or person. I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but I am someone who attaches certain songs to certain times in my life. That said, it’s not easy to write about all a song means to you. Emotion is a tricky little bitch that, more often than not, prefers to go unexplainable and so, it is with great difficulty and frustration, and maybe even a little sadness, that I am finally sitting my ass down and adding Song #4.

# Forty-Six (46)
The Fourth Song
Just Be Simple” – Songs: Ohia
(listen here.)

It’s hard to write about this song because it is, like so many other songs that mean so much to me, a break-up song. Or, now that I think about it, a broken heart song. It’s slow, mellow, and has the sound of sadness in it. I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but seeing as I’m totally useless when it comes to talking about music, I can’t describe it in terms that might make sense. So, trust me when I say it’s sad. Mournful, even. But that’s why I love it.

You never hear me talk about one day getting out
Why put a new address on the same old loneliness
Everybody knows where that is

It’s genius, isn’t it? We all know where loneliness is, right? It’s something we’ve all been through, all felt, all hurt from so what’s the point it trying to define it. We all know what it is. We all know that you can feel totally and completely alone in a room full of your closest friends. See, I discovered this song right before I got deployed and so I stuck it on my MP3 player (yeah, I don’t have an iPOD because I’m a rebel), and then, at the barracks in Indiana where I was stuck for training, I started listening to this song over, and over, and over again. This was right about the time that my relationship back home was falling apart and even sleeping in an open room packed full with bunkbeds, Soldiers, and stuff, I was lonely.

The night has always known when it’s time to get going
When it’s really been so long that it starts showing

Ah, those long nights spent alone. Do we really need to discuss them?

It’s always had that ghost who always almost
Tells me the Secret
How there’s really no difference in who he was once
And who he’s become

Have you ever been through something that changed you so much you didn’t even really know you were changing until suddenly, months later, you wake up and realize you’re not the same person you used to be? Few things have done this to me, but being deployed, breaking up and then falling in love all over again did. I cannot say now that I know the person I was before I deployed to Kosovo. Seriously. I was younger, in actual years, but also in experience. When you change that much, when everything you thought you knew about yourself is different and when you have hours upon hours for self-reflection, it’s hard not to look back and realize that some people didn’t change and that, for better or for worse, compatibility has been lost.

Everything you hated me for… Honey there was so much more
I just didn’t get busted.

Ah, where to begin…people (including myself) are ruthless sometimes. Especially during the whole breaking up, splitting up of stuff process. We say nasty things, things we don’t mean, or maybe we do but still, some things are better left unsaid. I hate that at the end of relationships all the bad comes swirling back up from memories and scratches out the good. I think I love this part of the song because it’s brutally honest; hurtful even. I’ve been hated through a lot of break-ups, but it seems, and please don’t hate me for admitting this, there’s always been more I’ve tactfully hidden.

This whole life it’s been about
Try and try and try
And try and try and try
To be simple again

There is so much meaning and feeling that I attach to this part of the song that even when I just start to think about it a little bit, I almost become overwhelmed. There’s been so much trying in my life and, seemingly, so little success. It has to do with a lot of things, most importantly never measuring up to some bullshit standard that was placed way above my head. I credit this with the reason why I spent so many years feeling like I was drowning. What’s more than that though, is my struggle to simplify. I have a hard time not sweating the simple stuff. I’ve tried (and tried and tried and tried and tried) to make my life simpler, but to no avail.

Sorry if this post seems a little, um, shall we say…melancholy? I’m really actually in a great mood. Oh, and you know what I discovered today? My dog LOVES Shakespeare, so much, in fact, that she ate (okay fine, SHREDDED) his complete works today! We were so (NOT) proud. At least if she’s going to be into books she picks the classics. I mean, it sure beats romance novels, right?


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