Blunt Force Ramblings

17 May

I keep looking around at where I am in life and getting confused.  I’m not quite sure how I got here, not quite sure I remember at which point the direction seemed to change.  I guess I’ve just been extremely reflective and introspective lately, spending my time marveling at the differences between who I was and who I am.

So much has changed that the place I’m in now is barely recognizable.  It’s hard for me to decide if its for better or for worse but I do have a sneaking suspicion that it’s probably a little of both.

I used to have moments in high school when, with friends, I’d be overcome with the feeling that nothing would ever change, that we would be young forever, friends forever.

Where the hell did everyone go?

I never had a lot of friends.  I mean sure, people knew me.  I was loud and wore low cut shirts, how could people not notice me?  But in terms of friends, like really good friends….there’s only been a few and they were constant for so long and now that I don’t have that, now that I’ve let myself drift so far away, I’m heartbroken.

No.  I’m lonely.

I haven’t wanted to write about this, haven’t wanted to throw it all out there, but I can’t keep it in anymore.  It’s got to get out somehow and dwelling on it and mulling it over in my mind is not solving anything, not that throwing all my emotional baggage out on the internet is the best way to solve things either.

I loved the deployment.  I really, really did.  But I hate what it did to my friendships.  Yes, I gained friends, but I seem to have lost friends as well, friends that have been friends for years and years, best friends.

Is this just what happens?  Is this part of the quarter life crisis?

It’s like there’s a gap in me now.  Like when you break up with someone after a long time and things just feel so empty.  But this gap has stuck around longer and really, how the hell do you go about getting a new best friend?  Is that something I can get on Craiglist?  Is there an online site for things of the BFF nature?

I’ve wanted to write this down for months.  And I haven’t.  I’m not sure why.

It’s funny because I sat down with the intent to write about music, about how I don’t just sit and listen to music anymore.  It’s what I used to do all the time.  And then I started thinking about how strongly my emotions are tired to certain songs and then, of course, a certain song came on and I got all emotional.  That’s how these things work I suppose.  They never go as planned.

Completely unrelated sidenote:  I had a dream last night that I went outside to get something from the car in nothing but a tank top and my undies.  And it was raining.  And when I tried to come back into the building some guy let me in through one door and tried to give me $10 so I could go buy some pants.  And then I sat down in our lobby and screamed for Andrew to come and let me into the main part of the building.  What does that mean?


7 Responses to “Blunt Force Ramblings”

  1. Michelle May 17, 2008 at 12:37 PM #

    I completely understand how you feel. I had a group of best friends in high school and we did everything together and once we graduated, moved, and started our own lives, I’ve felt lonely like you do. Like I don’t fit in with anyone quite the same. It’s hard to make best friends again like that. It’s been 10 years and I haven’t yet, except my husband I guess. But best girlfriends are hard to come by.

  2. Rachel May 17, 2008 at 3:21 PM #

    the friend thing? i’m there. move to jersey.

    and your dream? random shit.


  3. nicoleantoinette May 17, 2008 at 11:09 PM #

    I’m finding as I get older that I have a harder time trusting people and developing close friendships. It’s almost like I can’t find any (girl)friends who are worth the enormous effort it takes to start the kind of friendships I want to have. Moving around a lot doesn’t help either. Sigh.

  4. Liz May 18, 2008 at 1:50 AM #

    I’ll just start this by saying that I’ve always been there for you. I would email you, but blogging seems to be the way to go now-a-days. We’ve both been terrible at keeping in touch with one another – and I say this because I can only assume that I am one of the high school friends you mention. We do need to see each other soon – alone – and see where we are. I still love you and nothing will change that, but it does seem that we need to see each other face-to-face to assess things. I can only assume that’s what you mean concerning all of your old friends.

    Yeah, being deployed has changed you. Surprise.

    Let’s see each other soon. Okay? We’re only two hours away from each other. I would love to salvage this. We’ve done it once before.

  5. turnonthestars May 18, 2008 at 3:11 AM #

    I think we really ARE twins…
    I had friends in high school, and friends in college and for a long time after that I didn’t have anyone. Now 95% of my friendships, and relationships actually, exist entirely with a computer screen between us. Still, even though I haven’t met all of them face to face, they mean more to me and I value their opinion more than any of the other friendships I’ve had. Still, I feel incredibly lonely this weekend.

    But I do miss the face-to-face side of being social…

  6. (((((HUGS))))) sandi May 19, 2008 at 7:48 AM #

    I can relate to this! Only, I’m one of those people that gets excited just to see the familiar face of someone that walked the halls of my high school~even if we never spoke! I’ll bound over saying, “Didn’t you go to…”, all *EXCITED!* and they’ll be like, “Yeah, so what?” WELL! I wanna know what they’re doing now and what’s going on in their lives! How COOL is that, ya know?

    Only it’s never quite so cool to them… So yeah, relationships are kinda cyclical, but they always mean so much to me! (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  7. anOCgirl May 23, 2008 at 7:09 AM #

    wow. i can totally relate to this. in fact, i am so there right now. and i’ve been contemplating blogging about this, but seeing as that some of my friends that i’m no longer close to read my blog on occasion, i didn’t want to cause any drama. i’m trying to live drama-free these days. 🙂

    but anyways, i just wanted to say that you’re not alone in feeling this way. as i get older and move on to the next phases of my life, i seem to lose the things/traits/characteristics that once connected me to certain people. and once that connection is lost, what is there?

    i think blogging has a lot to do with it too. i use my blog as a way to keep up with my friends. well, they don’t blog and they use my blog as a substitute for me, except my blog is not an adequate substitute. and how do i get to hear about what’s going on with them? through facebook updates. sigh.

    so, hang in there, chica. i really wish i could say something to make it all better.

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