I’m a hot mess of thoughts and emotions right now (in a good way). I can’t decide what to write, or how to wrap my words around the myriad of thoughts going on in my head right now (but don’t worry, that’s not likely to stop me from writing a post that seems to go on and on and on :).
For whatever reason, I’ve managed to dig myself deep down into deep thought territory today. There’s been so much going on my life, so much fullness, and so many big events and truthfully, I’m a little exhausted, a little wiped out, a little ready to crawl under a rock and hide for a bit. Life just feel like lately its been screaming at me to get more accomplished, to grow up and figure out what I want to do with that ominous thing called my future and really, I’m dead smack in the middle of my quarter life crisis and despite the copious amounts of happiness I’ve been feeling lately, and the overwhelming fullness of my life, I still feel like I need to be doing something more, something better.
I suppose, in today’s world, a slightly crazy feeling is only natural. I feel so passionately about so many things that are going on right now and I can’t help but worry about what the world is going to look like in a month, or six months, or a year. Being the future thinking person I am (granted I have improved my abilities to look at the here and now and appreciate it just a little but still, I’m a Pisces and this head of mine is ALWAYS looking forward to the next step), I weigh all the possibilities ahead of me and ultimately, all that’s left on the scale is this feeling of overwhelming uncertainty.
I need to go back to college. I think I’m ready, and while I’m not going back this fall, I think I will be going back in the spring but that brings with it a whole other host of fears and desires and hopes and wants. I’m terrified, to put it mildly, of going back to school. It’s been years now since I sat through a lecture, since I wrote a paper, and I’m worried that I won’t fall back into it as easily as I have before. I loved college, don’t get me wrong, and what’s more, I was good at it, but there’s still that nagging feeling that I won’t be good at it now, after so much has happened in the past two years, after I’ve wandered so far away from the path of higher education. But regardless, I simply MUST face all of that. I don’t have another option really, because at the top of my wants list is the want to get my degree.
I miss school. I really do, but when I think about going back my chest gets all tight and my forehead all wrinkled.
How do people do this? I’ve only been out of school since 2006, and I know there are lots and lots of people out there who go back after 10, 15 and 20 years. I try to convince myself that the experiences and adventures I’ve had will aid me in furthering my future and my education, that the things I’ve done in the past two years and, perhaps more importantly, the growing I’ve done, will help me achieve higher goals but sometimes, that thinking just seems far too optimistic for this cynic.
There’s still so much more growing I want to do too. I want to find a balance in all the things I’ve managed to fill my life up with – the amazing husband, the dog, the yet-to-be-discovered house we are thinking about purchasing in the future, the job, the social life, the me time that seems to have been misplaced, but I’m not sure how to find that balance. Any suggestions?