Coherently illogical and other such madness

25 Jul


I’m a hot mess of thoughts and emotions right now (in a good way).  I can’t decide what to write, or how to wrap my words around the myriad of thoughts going on in my head right now (but don’t worry, that’s not likely to stop me from writing a post that seems to go on and on and on :). 


For whatever reason, I’ve managed to dig myself deep down into deep thought territory today.  There’s been so much going on my life, so much fullness, and so many big events and truthfully, I’m a little exhausted, a little wiped out, a little ready to crawl under a rock and hide for a bit.  Life just feel like lately its been screaming at me to get more accomplished, to grow up and figure out what I want to do with that ominous thing called my future and really, I’m dead smack in the middle of my quarter life crisis and despite the copious amounts of happiness I’ve been feeling lately, and the overwhelming fullness of my life, I still feel like I need to be doing something more, something better. 


I suppose, in today’s world, a slightly crazy feeling is only natural.  I feel so passionately about so many things that are going on right now and I can’t help but worry about what the world is going to look like in a month, or six months, or a year.  Being the future thinking person I am (granted I have improved my abilities to look at the here and now and appreciate it just a little but still, I’m a Pisces and this head of mine is ALWAYS looking forward to the next step), I weigh all the possibilities ahead of me and ultimately, all that’s left on the scale is this feeling of overwhelming uncertainty. 


I need to go back to college.  I think I’m ready, and while I’m not going back this fall, I think I will be going back in the spring but that brings with it a whole other host of fears and desires and hopes and wants.  I’m terrified, to put it mildly, of going back to school.  It’s been years now since I sat through a lecture, since I wrote a paper, and I’m worried that I won’t fall back into it as easily as I have before.  I loved college, don’t get me wrong, and what’s more, I was good at it, but there’s still that nagging feeling that I won’t be good at it now, after so much has happened in the past two years, after I’ve wandered so far away from the path of higher education.  But regardless, I simply MUST face all of that.  I don’t have another option really, because at the top of my wants list is the want to get my degree. 


I miss school.  I really do, but when I think about going back my chest gets all tight and my forehead all wrinkled. 


How do people do this?  I’ve only been out of school since 2006, and I know there are lots and lots of people out there who go back after 10, 15 and 20 years.  I try to convince myself that the experiences and adventures I’ve had will aid me in furthering my future and my education, that the things I’ve done in the past two years and, perhaps more importantly, the growing I’ve done, will help me achieve higher goals but sometimes, that thinking just seems far too optimistic for this cynic. 


There’s still so much more growing I want to do too.  I want to find a balance in all the things I’ve managed to fill my life up with – the amazing husband, the dog, the yet-to-be-discovered house we are thinking about purchasing in the future, the job, the social life, the me time that seems to have been misplaced, but I’m not sure how to find that balance. Any suggestions?


5 Responses to “Coherently illogical and other such madness”

  1. CoS July 25, 2008 at 7:16 PM #

    You should go to college. You are college material, and you will do well. Balance it by working part-time and taking two or three classes. You are smarter now and will do well. I am convinced that you are smarter than most college graduates, and it will work out great for you. It may not be a big career or maybe it will….but it gives you options

  2. m July 26, 2008 at 8:53 PM #

    Our oldest daughter, (41), has gone back to college, and she has 4 daughters.

    You’ll be surprised at how much you remember and how easily you’ll fall into your study habits.

    It’s a good thing.

  3. nicoleantoinette July 28, 2008 at 12:03 AM #

    I’m desperately looking for balance too- maybe we can help each other?

    And yes, definitely go back to school. It will be so, so worth it.

    ps- I’m serious about the helping each other find balance thing! Stuff is easier in pairs, right?

  4. anOCgirl July 28, 2008 at 9:12 AM #

    i dreamed of grad school for a couple years before i finally had the guts to apply and just move out to the east coast. i wanted it so badly, but i was so afraid of being alone and doing something new and what if i wasn’t cut out for school any more?

    anyways, going back was the best thing i had ever done. if your heart is truly in it, no amount of fear or anxiety will keep you from enjoying it. and definitely don’t let fear keep you from taking a chance.

  5. Terra July 28, 2008 at 1:59 PM #

    Thank you all so much for your support – I think the concensus is that going back to school, while scary, is totally worth it.

    Again, thanks!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: