A little soul exposure never hurts, right?

29 Oct

I want to know who I am. I want to know if the clothes in my closet, if the style I’m rockin’ this instant belongs to me or a past me because I just can’t tell anymore.

I want to spend one full day snuggling on the couch watching movies with my husband like we used to without getting distracted by unnecessary riff raff.

I want to travel to far away places.

I want to know why I don’t write as much and as passionately as I used to.

I want a night by myself to stay up late and just listen to music and think.

I want the courage to say “Hey – fuck off! If you can’t say anything nice, if you can’t realize what a great person I’ve turned out to be (despite your best efforts), if you can’t stop bringing me down every single god damn time I’m up a little – then just get the hell out of my life and stop pretending you have a heart.”

I want my degree now, not two years from now.

I want to know why I’m starting to geta few random gray hairs and still have acne.

I want to gain the ability to let go. I want to know what it’s like to just let things happen without holding the reins. I want to stop being such a spaz and such a control freak, but I don’t know if I can.

I want the job.

I want a home that feels like me because that’s not something I’ve had before and I just want to feel rooted.

I want to be able to throw pieces of myself out for all the world to see without being ashamed, or afraid of the judgment.

I want to know at what point I’ll start to feel like an adult, versus an imposter all dressed up and playing the part.

I want to bear my scars without feeling like I have to give an explanation.

I want you to listen to me without filling your ears with your own thoughts and selfishness and I want you to realize, for just one instant, who I am.

I want to learn to dance.

I want to be a girlie girl or a tomboy and not some in-between hybrid who wants to wear heels and look beautiful all the time but can’t find the energy or the willingness for uncomfortable feet to get out of old jeans and tank tops.

I want a best friend.

I want to dress up like a princess and play barbies and say to hell with this grown up shit.

I want to live my life without regrets.

What do you want?

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7 Responses to “A little soul exposure never hurts, right?”

  1. Holly October 29, 2008 at 12:23 PM #

    Seriously, why aren’t we friends yet? You just touched on so many things I’m also struggling with right now. Sounds like something(or things) have been bothering you and I hope it works itself out. I’m imagining you must live somewhere nearby. We should get together and porch sit and ponder sometime.

  2. Mermanda October 29, 2008 at 12:51 PM #

    I sympathize with some of this. I haven’t had a real best friend since high school. And even then, it obviously wasn’t real if it only took a boy to tear us apart.

  3. anOCgirl October 30, 2008 at 8:24 AM #

    after a really crappy day yesterday, reading this puts it all into perspective. thank you.

    what do i want? i want you to know that you already have the courage and strength to do/get all that you want. don’t second guess yourself! 🙂

  4. picturesandpostits October 31, 2008 at 7:16 AM #

    I’ll play barbies with you!!!?!

  5. Ash October 31, 2008 at 2:11 PM #

    What do I want?
    I want to understand you better.
    I want to know who you have become.
    I want to hear about all your adventures in life. I want to go shopping with you like we used to, when people used to ask if we were sisters, and we’d laugh.
    I want to go on a road trip with you, our hair flying in the wind from open windows, lots of coffee and cigarettes, singing to loud music without caring how we sound.
    I want you to know, in your heart, that I did the best I could do, even if that wasn’t very good.
    I want you to know, in your heart, that I love you, I have always loved you, and I always will.

  6. Liz Bell November 2, 2008 at 3:50 PM #

    Even after all this time I still absolutely, positivly, without a doubt, adore you. Your words are my soul’s song. I love you and think of you often and hope you are happy.

  7. Heather November 4, 2008 at 11:20 AM #

    Hello there! I just stumbled upon your blog and read this really cool post. I often wonder things about myself that are along those same lines. Just wanted to say hello and also you’ve got some really nice and sincere comments on this post, too! 🙂

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