Signed, Sealed & Delivered

15 Dec

Dear Self,
Stop being such a spaz. You aren’t going to live past 30 if you don’t learn how to chill out and stop freaking out. Life is supposed to happen, and you’re supposed to remember to breathe.


Dear Boss,
Thanks for being super understanding with the whole quitting thing. I know I’m awesome, and that I “stink” for leaving, but really, thanks for understanding that this upcoming opportunity is absolutely amazing.

Best of luck,
Your receptionist/office manager/administrative assistant/personal assistant/set-up processor

Dear House,
You’re coming along quiet nicely and I am very proud of what you. As it turns out, the more time I spend within your walls, the more I love you.

Your owner

Dear new neighbors,
While I appreciate your holiday spirit and the boatload of Christmas decorations gracing your lawn, I do not appreciate it when you tell my friends they can’t park in front of your house. As the friend pointed out, IT’S THE STREET! YOU DON’T OWN THE STREET!

Please don’t hate us,
The crackers next door

Dear internets,
Thanks for suggesting chocolate brown in the dining room – it looks amazing and my husband lovingly refers to it as “the room the internets picked.”

A Paint-Covered Terra

Dear SadieDog,
Why is your nose turning brown? Why haven’t you learned English? Why don’t you go paint the house with that furry HuskyMutt tail of yours?

Love and bellyrubs,

Dear Apartment Building,
I hate you. Really, I do. You have done one thing well over the past year, and that’s provide me with great friends, and for that I will be forever thankful, but after this weekend, I’m totally fed up. Was it really necessary for there to be THREE fire alarms over the weekend, all of which caused my dog to actually howl because she was so pissed off at you and so hurt by the piercing noise of the fire alarm. Last night when that stupid alarm went off, I WAS IN THE SHOWER! Saturday morning when it went off I was sleeping. I hate you and cannot wait to be free from your claws.

Hate and Disdain,
Angry Tenant # 4,304


3 Responses to “Signed, Sealed & Delivered”

  1. anOCgirl December 15, 2008 at 1:49 PM #

    so your boss was cool and understanding about your leaving? nice. see? you were stressing over nothing.

    don’t worry. i do that ALL THE TIME.

  2. Laurie December 15, 2008 at 4:58 PM #

    Belated congrats on being a homeowner:) That’s really exciting – can’t wait to get there someday.

    My favorite part of this is: “The Crackers Next Door.” haha!

  3. Holly December 19, 2008 at 1:08 PM #

    I laughed so hard at these letters. Esp Crackers next door. It was good to see you. Merry Christmas, hope the mix was good to you!

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