Songs I Love #10: Sunday Edition

8 Nov

In high school, I was somewhat of an idiot. I did well in school, was liked by my teachers and had a close group of friends. When it came to boys, however, I was an absolute idiot. And a glutton for punishment.

This is where I say I’ve had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don’t believe that I’m getting any better, any better.

What can I say? I was young. Stupid. I was all about throwing myself, headfirst, into glass walls of broken heartedness and felt totally confident that my little, easily crushed Pisces heart would totally die without JerkFace in my life. I spent days upon days crying. For no reason. We’d break up, we’d get back together, we’d break up, we’d get back together.  It was never-ending cycle of suck.

Wandering this house
like I’ve never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I’m throwing away the letters that I am writing you
’cause they would never do,
I would never do, never.

I guess when you’re in that place, in that soul-crushing teenage love sort of place, the rose-colored glasses are really, really thick.  You don’t see all the bullshit. You don’t listen to the rumors about all the girls he’s been with while he’s been with you. You believe it when he says he loves you, when he says he needs you. You feel bad for doubting him when he cries, which, you later realize he knows how to do on command.

So don’t be a liar,
don’t say that “everything’s working”
when everything’s broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke’s on me.

I think there are certain relationships, certain types of people everyone should experience. Despite the soul-crushing, heart-breaking, breath-stealing suck of it all, I learned A LOT. I learned I don’t need to be defined my someone else, and that I should, in fact, be valued as a person. All good things to know.

I spent a lot of time screaming this song. Crying to it. Pushing myself to just. fucking. leave. already. And still, every time I hear it I’m immediately filled with angsty teenage hostility.

Song: “Saints & Sailors” by Dashboard Confessional

*Writing about 25 songs I love is #46 on my 101 in 1001 list. See the previous songs I’ve written about here.

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4 Responses to “Songs I Love #10: Sunday Edition”

  1. Ash November 8, 2009 at 7:55 PM #

    You said it well, very, very well…I was so afraid of losing you in those days. Glad I didn’t 🙂

  2. Jonathan November 9, 2009 at 7:32 PM #

    Okay. That’s the best blog post I have read in quite some time.

  3. titus2woman November 11, 2009 at 3:56 PM #

    I must’ve been very shallow. In high school my favorite song was “Oh Sheila” and “Egyptian Lover”. (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  4. Summer December 29, 2014 at 3:03 PM #

    A million thanks for posting this initnmaofor.

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