I wrote a bitchy, angry, rambling post yesterday about the Army and how some things are bullshit. And then I chilled the fuck out and I don’t really feel like talking about it anymore. It is what it is, I guess. For better or for worse.
At some recent point, I went from being someone’s Soldier, to having Soldier’s of my own. It’s kind of like parenthood, I guess. Except for that it’s not.
Either way, it’s been a weird transition. I’m about 15 years younger than one of my Soldiers. And yet still, I’m responsible for him. I’ve got to ensure he’s getting the information that he needs, that he gets paid for showing up and playing Army, that he’s where he needs to be when he needs to be there. It feels odd sometimes.
I wasn’t expecting to be in charge so soon, but there’s been a recent jumping ship phenomenon within our section that’s left me as the de facto leader. I’m figuring it out as I go. There’s a lot I don’t know. But then, there’s a lot of I guess I do know. It’s not like I’m brand new to the unit I’m in or to the military in general. I’ve been in the same unit for damn near 7 years. But still. Things are complicated and hard to understand and don’t make a lot of sense and sometimes things that make complete sense are actually ass-backwards and so sometimes I get frustrated because I can’t fix things. Sometimes, I can’t give my Soldiers an answer as to why things are the way they are and sometimes I can’t solve the problems they come to me with. And I hate that. I hate not being able to fix things.
I can’t really call it a character flaw, because it’s not. But it’s something close because I let myself get so upset and pissed off and stabby that I lose a bit of my rationality and contemplate yelling and arm-flapping which never really solves anything. In fact, I’m pretty positive arm-flapping never solved anything.
In the end, I guess it’s kind of neat. I’ve morphed into this person who occasionally resembles a grown-up, even if I still don’t have it all figure out.