Being Alone with Me

19 Apr

On Saturday, Andrew went and played bad-ass and got all sorts of bruised up doing this absolutely ridiculous obstacle course because he’s all that is man.

We don’t spend a lot of time away from each other. We live together, sleep together, work together, eat together, spend time out with friends together. We’re a very “together” couple. We like each other enough to spend 98% of our time together. It’s not something every couple could do, we realize that, but it works for us. Our relationship started as a working relationship and somehow we’ve been able to continue that relationship as our marriage and friendship have grown. Best of all, we haven’t killed each other yet. 

Back to Saturday. Andrew was gone almost the entire day. The house was quiet. I’d given myself a list of 98 bagillion things I wanted to accomplish in his absence. I had an exam to study for. The garden needed love. I wanted to conduct some retail therapy. I was behind on blog reading, cleaning, dishes, cooking, everything.

When Andrew got up to get ready and leave at 5:30am, I got up with him. To study. To watch my shows. To clean the house. I studied, watched TV, did some light shopping and came home again.  My heart just wasn’t in it.

I studied some more. But the house was too quiet and I couldn’t focus. The dog and I went outside, chased each other around the yard and pulled some weeds. But I was antsy. I wanted to do something else, anything else, I didn’t want to be responsible all day long. It was my day off! I wanted to have fun and do something for me.

So I made brownies. And scooped the batter from the bowl with my fingers and slurped it off.

I went for a run. I burnt off the brownie batter and yelled at myself to go, go GO! And ran faster than I ever have before.

I turned on some music, dug up my old playlists. Got moody, because I could. Sang out loud, because I could. Danced in the kitchen, because I could. Made homemade pretzels, because I could. Remembered things, reminisced with the ghosts of my before times, all because I could.

I forget, easily, that I’m in this for me. That I need to give me time to do what me wants to do.

I forget how much I like to be alone, without anyone there to listen when I warble through a favorite old song, or to change the radio station or remind me of things I need to do.

I’ve got a lot going on. It builds and builds and builds, these tasks and to-do lists and blocks that need checking. The piles keep getting piled upon and I forget about me. In the midst of work tasks, house tasks, school tasks, wife tasks I lose parts of me that need time to dance around the kitchen and sing sad songs. I start to forget because I don’t give myself time to remember. I get bogged down and start to ache because there’s just so much to do. I can’t catch my breath before moving on to the next thing, the next item on the list, the next box to check.

Andrew came home and we finished the pretzels together. They were amazing. Delicious. Filled with crazy-dancing Terra-love and covered in salt crystals. I missed him while he was gone, I always do. But I realized I missed me too.

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4 Responses to “Being Alone with Me”

  1. Margaret April 19, 2010 at 1:40 PM #

    Excellent !!!

  2. StaceyParadise April 20, 2010 at 10:36 AM #

    I absolutely adore days spent alone. Billy and I don’t spend nearly the amount of time together that you and Andrew do. We get a few hours here and there, and I feel like I’m always missing him.

    I take those days alone to paint my nails, lay in the grass reading magazines, playing with our dogs, making espresso and sitting on the porch swing, etc. I love the days when I don’t have to talk to anyone. And I absolutely love the feeling of him coming home.

  3. kindnessgirl April 21, 2010 at 11:04 AM #

    i can so relate…even after we were a very “together” couple, we became a very “together” family. while i really enjoy and love the togetherness, i miss me some days too…

  4. kelliebuelo April 22, 2010 at 6:17 PM #

    great post! I am kinda jealous of your togetherness as a couple. because hubby and i are not a together couple, due to schedule differences and crazy life. i keep thinking we will be one day when things level off. it takes lots of work to reconnect frequently.

    but, i do love time to myself and i would absolutely miss it too if we suddenly we became the type of couple you two are! even though i have lots of time sans hubs, i still feel like i spend so much time trying to be productive and check boxes in my free time. there’s still not time for me time. thanks for the words, we all need to re-evaluate and sit outside our lives as observers now and then, to keep some balance.

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