On the fence, in the middle, and picked last for dodgeball too.

9 Jun

Some days I think I’m finally starting to get me. I’ll think about who I am and what I like and what I want and I go HA! I’ve finally figured me out! I like X and want to save the planet and really don’t agree with Y. My favorite color is green. I like marshmallows, red wine, dill pickles, and sand between my toes.

But then I start thinking about it – like really thinking about it – and I decide that no, I don’t know me at all. I’m still evolving, still deciding who I want to be when I grow and what I want for dinner tonight. I’m not quite anything, really. I’m in between. I’m a mix. A mish-mash of a little this, a little that. I’m riding the fence, comparing the blades of grass on either side.

I’ve got clear ideas of who I want to be, but I’m not sure the person I want me to be is really who I am. For example, I want to be the kind of girl who wears heels and gets manicures, but at the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade my combat boots for a mountain of Manolos. I’m a jeans and a t-shirt kind of gal, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise. I want to be a full-blown, organic cotton wearing, vegan food eating, tree-hugging, bra-burning hippie feminist, but at the end of the day I think I’m more of a slight meat eating, tree-hugging, gardening, organic produce-purchasing, my body, my choice, I don’t have to change my name if I don’t want to kind of girl. And that’s okay.

I’m not all in just yet. I’m sticking my toes in the water, testing things out, seeing how far down I want to go. I’m making decisions, trying new things, trying to find a balance between raging and meek, crazy and boring, loud and soft. I’m getting more comfortable with the idea that there will always be more to learn, that I won’t ever have everything figured out, and that I’ll never stop growing.

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11 Responses to “On the fence, in the middle, and picked last for dodgeball too.”

  1. Ash June 9, 2010 at 6:37 PM #

    Personally, I think we’re all here to learn, grow, and consequently, change, our entire lives. And when you stop learning, and growing as a person, that’s it – your life is over.

    The only problem is, some of us grow & change faster than our significant others, who then turn to us and say they don’t know who we are anymore.

    I hope & pray that you & Andrew grow even closer than you are, or that you can accept & love who you each become – you two are so awesome together! I really, really, enjoyed our dinner together, and seeing how you guys are together.

    Keep it up!

  2. Margaret June 9, 2010 at 8:09 PM #

    We are an accumulation of all our yesterdays, and always in the process of becoming…

  3. CuppyCakes June 10, 2010 at 4:20 AM #

    I don’t want to change my name either. I might hyphenate, but my surname is sticking.
    I think we’re all a little bit on the fence. I totally could have written this post about me. But you know… it would’ve been less smart sounding.

  4. Aly June 10, 2010 at 8:17 AM #

    Yeah. I have a lot of things I want to be, but at the end of the day, I’m just me. And I’m changing my name.. but that’s still okay.

  5. Ash June 10, 2010 at 9:45 AM #

    Okay, is it just me, or does anyone else have an image of something like smores except it’s a dill pickle slice with marshmallows melted on top, served with a glass of wine????

    (pretty sure it’s just me & my different sense of humor)

  6. Stacey Paradise June 10, 2010 at 9:48 AM #

    Hey girl, whatever works for you!

    I could never be a vegetarian. I love cheeseburgers so much! haha.

    So I was thinking, maybe we could meet up for a glass of wine at Cafe Gutenberg some Wednesday when they do half priced wine? Let me know what you think!

  7. san June 10, 2010 at 5:50 PM #

    Isn’t it funny that sometimes you want to be something that you’re not?

    Why would we even think that way? If we can’t something that we don’t feel deep down inside?

    Is it society that tells us what we should want to be, instead of just accepting that we are who we are?

    That is much harder to do than one would think.

  8. ChickNamedHermia June 14, 2010 at 2:05 PM #

    I don’t think anyone ever really knows who they are….we’re all constantly changing, so it seems impossible! I just know that I have no idea who I want to be or what I want to be doing in the future!

  9. Andrew June 14, 2010 at 4:39 PM #

    I’m just glad you let me be on the adventure with you. I love spending my time with you as you change into whatever it is you decide to be at the end of the day. I know no matter who you choose to be that you will have fun getting there.

  10. Ash June 14, 2010 at 4:43 PM #

    Aww, Andrew, that was so sweet!

    So very glad you are part of the family. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Terra happier 🙂

  11. titus2woman June 15, 2010 at 2:04 PM #

    I so get this post! There are so many things I am sure of in who I am, but there is ALWAYS something new on the horizon. Some I jump into and am sorry later, some fit right away, and some develop sooo slowly that I don’t even know they’re there until they’ve set up residence…. (((((HUGS))))) sandi

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