This month feels like a pack of bricks weighing me down. There’s so much to do, so many little tasks that keep piling up around me that need attention and let’s not even talk about the mountain of crap crowding my dining room table right now.
In part, I love it. I love being busy. I like knowing that I there’s something I need to be doing every second of every day. But I hate it too. I hate feeling guilty about coming home from a long day at work and school and sitting on the couch watching TV knowing there are approximately 467 other tasks I should be accomplishing.
My solution? Multi-tasking! I’m never doing just one thing at one time. I’m doing 2 or 3 or maybe 6 things at once. I make dinner while sweeping the kitchen and catching up on my reading. I calm my guilt over watching TV by catching up on blogs or by making a collage for the bathroom at the same time. While this works great, for a bit, it means I’m never devoting my full attention to any one thing.
Then there’s the foot tapping and the knee bouncing. If I’m sitting at a desk, working on the computer, whether it’s at home or at work, I’m bouncing my knee. It annoys me and I’m the one doing it but I can’t help it. I’m just so anxious. But for what? What the fuck am I anxious for? To complete a project? To move on to the next task? For the work day to end? For class to start? For dinner to get cooked? For the damn dining room table to get cleared off? For the dogs to pick up their own damn dog fur because dammit, don’t they know how busy I am? Or, all of the above? It’s everything this month. It’s the heat and the house and the dogs and the work load and the course load and the future and on and on and on. I’m anxious for all of it. For tomorrow and next week and the end of the day and our next vacation and next year.
I know it’s just this month. June is such an asshole. It’s the busiest month of the year for work, I just started my summer class, and we have guests coming to stay for just under a week at the end of the month and we’ve taken on a multitude of little projects around the house to get ready for their visit. And there’s life, you know. It’s happening right now and somehow, with everything else going on, I’ve got to find a way to keep up.
I’ve got to remind myself that now only happens once and if I miss it, I’ll regret it.