The friendship that was & how Facebook is kind of a prick-face.

20 Jul

In high school, I had a best friend. We met in gym class, sitting on the bleachers on my first day at a new school. I was feeling sorry for myself because, as it turns out, no matter how many times you move around as a kid, making new friends is never easy. She was behind me with a group of old friends she’d grown up with when they invited me to join in their conversation. I was relieved. From there, it took off. We were instant best friends. We spent hours on the phone. We were alike and different. We’d smoke Marlboro Reds in her room after her parents went to bed and bitched about parents and high school and boys and hurt and the weight of the world. We held each other up when things got bad and tried, like hell, to save each others lives.

I moved an hour away, made new friends, but nothing replaced her. You can have more than one best friend, you know.

I moved to Richmond for college and she visited and every month I’d visit her up in Northern Virginia. We’d stay up talking until 3 in the morning when I had to be up at 6.

She was the maid of honor at my first wedding.

I deployed. During my two-week leave I spent a full week with her. We caught up on everything and even though we hadn’t seen each other for 10 months, everything went right back to normal and it was perfect.

Then I came home, expecting things to be the same, and they weren’t. We got to together a full five months after my return and it just wasn’t right. Things had changed. Something was different.

She posted a note on MySpace, said sometimes she just “dropped people.” A week later her account was gone and the only connection I had left to her vanished. Poof. The end. I was unbelievably hurt. Still am, it seems.

It’s a strange thing, losing a best friend after eight years. It hurts for obvious reasons like how I didn’t do anything to provoke an end, other than deploy to a fucking hazardous duty location for a year where I wore combat boots and carried a gun all day, every day. And then, there’s other stuff. Like how, at the age of 24, and still at 26, it’s impossible to find a best friend. Everyone is paired up.

See, I’m not good with girls, really. I’m not a girl’s kind of girl, it seems. I’m a bit rough around the edges, I drop the f-bomb far too often for the liking of lots of delicate lady ears and I’m kind of a loudmouth once you get to know me. I’d rather spend time shooting the shit under some camo netting with a group of infantrymen than spend a day at the spa. And I don’t want babies and I didn’t change my last name and that, right there, is enough to scare off a whole batch of well-meaning ladies (and men) who think I need saving or who don’t respect my personal choices despite my deep respect for theirs. Sure, I’ve got girl friends, and I love them all dearly, but sure enough, they’re paired up already.

Periodically, I’ll look her up on Facebook. Or google her. Just to see. I never expect anything to turn up. Nothing has for the past two years. And then today, on a random whim, I checked Facebook. I typed in her name and it auto-populated her right in there because, don’t you know? We’ve got 3 mutual friends.Thanks Facebook. You’re a gigantic asshole of douche-face proportions, did you know that?

So the question is, now what? Do I shoot her a friend request? Or not? What if she ignores the damn thing? What if she doesn’t? If she approves it, do I say anything? Or should I just let it go?

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29 Responses to “The friendship that was & how Facebook is kind of a prick-face.”

  1. H to the Izzo July 20, 2010 at 7:28 AM #

    I could feel how painful this was just reading it. My thought is no, don’t look her up. Is it worth it? To hurt again? After all this time, you just hurt, so it’s doubtful you’ll become friends, real friends again. Figure out why you want to re connect and if that reason is strong enough, then go for it.

    • Terra July 20, 2010 at 4:57 PM #

      More than anything I’m just curious. I just want to know what will happen, you know?

  2. Lara July 20, 2010 at 7:50 AM #

    Hell, now I’m curious as to what happened to her. Obviously it was something big for her to drop off the planet. Had you ever tried to call after she deleted her Myspace? So weird. If anything, for some closure, I would simply send her a message on FB and ask her what happened to her, what she’s been up to, etc. If she sounds like a different person when/if she responds… you don’t have to keep up the communication.

    So sorry you’ve been through all this.

    • Terra July 20, 2010 at 4:58 PM #

      I’m curious too! And I didn’t try to call her after she deleted the MySpace page. After that last time we hung out it just seemed like things were done.

  3. Stacey Paradise July 20, 2010 at 7:53 AM #

    Girls are a strange breed, aren’t we? Boys do it the smart way – they are so much less complicated, with much less drama and intrigue. They just tell it like it is and don’t hold grudges.

    If it were me, I’d leave it alone. I went through something similar just two years ago, although I wouldn’t have ever called her my “best friend” and we’d only been good friends for about 3 years. I sent her a quick email once, just to see if she’d respond, and she did. So then I responded, but then she stopped writing back. It was strange.

    And for what it’s worth? I like that you swear so much! We were loud and obnoxious at Cafe Gutenberg together and it was fantastic!

    • Terra July 20, 2010 at 4:59 PM #

      Girls are strange! And I’m glad you don’t mind my swearing πŸ™‚

  4. Aly July 20, 2010 at 8:42 AM #

    Facebook is kind of evil. If you did shoot her a friend request (and if she accepted) – it might never go further than that, just act as a lurking tool so you can go ahead and watch how she lives her life without you in it. Which would suck. Big time.

    But at the same time, my gosh.. that’s a long time – and maybe it can be resolved? I don’t know.

    I count myself lucky to have Miss K as my best bud, and it’s only in the last three-four years (and moving a million miles away) that I realise how lucky we are to have found that. If it weren’t for her, I’d have nobody.

    • Terra July 20, 2010 at 5:00 PM #

      Facebook is a bit evil. I love being able to keep up with the lives of people I’ve known forever without exerting any real effort, but situations like these make me hate it a bit.

      • CuppyCakes July 21, 2010 at 4:31 AM #

        If it weren’t for Miss Aly, I’d have nobody, either. She’s the best thing I’ve got. Even if she is in London.

        We practically ARE the same, Terra… just so you know. I don’t think I could change my name, I can’t even handle children at all right now, even the ones that are related to me, and I F-Bomb all over the place.
        I also clean up after animals for a living and wear steel cap boots to work, and most days will come home with either urine, poop, or vomit on me.

        Most girls hate me too.

        I just think that if a person isn’t in your life anymore, there’s a reason for it. It might not be obvious and sometimes it sucks balls that they’re not there for you the way they used to be, but sometimes it’s for the best.

  5. san July 20, 2010 at 9:56 AM #

    Oh, tell me about it… making new friends is one of the hardest things to do. I mean, real friends. Friends you can count on.

    I feel your pain.

    If you think it is worth it to try and reconnect with her, if you really miss her, I would send a friend request, but also add a message saying that you would like to catch up, that you miss the old times.

    I wouldn’t just send a request and NOT say anything.

    Then see what happens. If she ignores you, you can’t really lose anything that you didn’t have in the first place (her friendship). If she does, try to figure out if you can be friends again.

    Some people drop off the face of the earth for the most RANDOM reasons. One of my friends was in depression when she cut all communication. I had no idea and felt really hurt, but now, years later I can at least understand that the decision to stay or not stay in touch wasn’t really in her power at that time. You never know what kind of “excuse” your old friend might have.

    • Terra July 20, 2010 at 5:01 PM #

      You make a really good point about possible depression. We both suffered from it in high school and it’s not unrealistic that something like that could have been going on….

  6. KT July 20, 2010 at 10:33 AM #

    I would send her a FB message because I would want to know why, suddenly, she dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe there was some misunderstanding that could be cleared up?

  7. Ash July 20, 2010 at 12:16 PM #

    Lots of good responses, and a tough decision… and I do know who you’re talking about & you were really really close, and went thru a lot of just plain hell together.

    I know if I were you I would want to give it one last shot, especially knowing she’s had her share of depression, and maybe that was it, or maybe it was a misunderstanding. I’d at least want to ask her “are you okay?”

    My suggestion would be a FB message, not a friend request. Short & to the point – “I miss you, I miss the closeness we once shared, just wanted you to know.”

    Let us know how it turns out. I’ve wondered about her, too.

  8. Margaret July 20, 2010 at 12:35 PM #

    Leave it be. The two of you are different people now and you probably wouldn’t reconnect in the same way as you did before.

  9. Kerri Anne July 21, 2010 at 1:30 AM #

    This is such a tough situation, and honestly, I’m not sure what I would do. I lost a best friend I met and made in the 7th grade and it hurt worse than I could have imagined. I mourned the loss of that friendship like I would a death of a friend and it still stings, three years later. But with her it was much more final. Much more “I cut you out of my life, period, end of story.” If you think it might help you have closure, I would message her. But if she knows where you’ve been all this time and she hasn’t shown up to reconnect, a part of me would have to wonder why not, you know?

    I’m new here and thus new to you, but clearly you’re an awesome person and an extremely loyal friend and she should be lucky to have you. If she isn’t, it really is her loss.

    Also: I’m hereby stating for the record that I appreciate conversational f-bombs, didn’t change my name when I was married (as of July 9th, I’m actually divorced), and don’t want kids.

    All of that to say: You can come sit by me anytime.

    (Oh, and back when everything went down with my friend, I stumbled on this book (http://www.thefriendwhogotaway.com/), and it really helped put a few things in perspective for me. If nothing else it made me realize I really wasn’t alone in losing someone I thought it impossible to lose.)

    • Terra July 21, 2010 at 3:57 PM #

      Thanks for the advice of the book – sounds like it might help me things into perspective as well. And it’s always nice to know I’m not alone on the not-changing my name & don’t want babies front!

  10. The Girl with the Red Suitcase July 21, 2010 at 7:13 AM #

    I would send her a friend request and expect her to send a message though. If she accepts it but doesn’t get in touch, I’d take a quick peek (yep i’m one curious cat :)) and delete her right back, say a requiem for the friendship and bury it forever. If she doesn’t accept, I’d say a requiem for the friendship and bury it forever. So, the way I see it, you either get in contact again or you get the closure you obviously need or you wouldn’t be facebook-searching her. To be honest I don’t think your friendship can ever re-kindle the way it was before. But I guess it’d be nice to find out what it is that you did “wrong” in her eyes to shut you out like that!

    • Terra July 21, 2010 at 3:58 PM #

      Thanks for the advice – I really appreciate it. And I agree that the friendship that was is not going to suddenly rekindle. What was is done, for sure.

  11. Kyla Roma July 21, 2010 at 8:09 AM #

    I know exactly what you mean, and this is a really hard one! My honest thought is that if she just dropped you and you have any feelings of sadness or conflict over it, just to let it go.

    To my mind, if you add her, you’ll have the requisite “how are you! Let’s catch up!” messages exchanged, and you’ll catch up, but you’ll probably feel all mixed and strange. And if she doesn’t approve the request, you’ll feel badly.

    I would go with your gut. If you had seen her on FB and your initial reaction was “Great! Let’s catch up!” I would be saying “go for it!” but if you got that sick sinking feeling? Stay away. The stress isn’t worth the ability to spy πŸ™‚

    • Terra July 21, 2010 at 4:02 PM #

      You are so right! The stress is absolutely not worth the ability to spy!

  12. ChickNamedHermia July 21, 2010 at 9:56 AM #

    That sucks! Some people are just a little unbelievable!
    I know a few people who are happy to be friends with you and who really will be lovely loyal friends, until circumstances change and they want to be somebody new and you don’t fit that ‘cool’ bill to get them where they want to go!
    I’m not a huge drinker or nightclub-goer, and I’ve had a couple of Forever Friends that fecked off!
    Also, sometime competitiveness does it. If you’re doing better than them, they don’t want to be around you, so they find someone more at their level. I grew up a lot quicker than most of my friends and that’s what happened!

    I think you might as well go ahead and add her….if you don’t, it’ll irritate you forever, and if you do, well, you’ll know where you stand even if you feel a little stupid!

    • Terra July 21, 2010 at 4:03 PM #

      I hadn’t thought about competitiveness being a possible reason for the ending of the friendship, but it’s for sure a possibility…

  13. Ash July 21, 2010 at 11:09 AM #

    Wasn’t there something about her joining the Guard, too? And then you deployed, grew a whole hell of a lot in Kosovo – you wrote some very deep & moving things (well, you always do, but you know what I mean). Deployment changed you a lot… for the better, IMHO, and the military life clearly suits you.

    But maybe she was feeling a little scared of changing in the ways you changed, and intimidated by the person you grew into. Maybe she felt like you would be disappointed if she didn’t join the Guard?

    I dunno, I’m usually totally clueless when it comes to people’s motivations & feelings. But she used to call me “mom” when she was around, and I care about her, too. She even helped us scrub the disgusting filth out of this house when we moved in – and for that, if nothing else, I want to know if she’s okay, whether you are friends or not. So, if you don’t want to open the can of worms, let me know, and I’ll message her and see how’s she doing. If that’s okay with you, of course.

    • Terra July 21, 2010 at 4:09 PM #

      I don’t think it’s necessary for you to write to her. I think that would be more unneccesarily awkward than helpful. Thanks for the thougths though – you make good points!

  14. Alverna July 21, 2010 at 12:58 PM #

    I have a similar story. She and I were best friends from 13 until we went to college, and then she started becoming more and more distant. Eventually she told me that she didn’t want to be friends any more, right after I’d asked her to be maid-of-honor in my wedding (something that we’d ALWAYS planned on). I think her reason was that I’d been too honest about my less than stellar opinion of her boyfriend. (I’ve gathered that I’m too blunt for a lot of girly friends to stomach.) Anyway, it was devastating for me. We’re Facebook friends now (I sent the friend request, of course), but we rarely chat on FB. It’s nice to feel like I know what’s going on in her life, now that she’s married and lives out of state, but it still hurts a little to know that I’m not part of it anymore.

    To answer your question, the bottom line is what’s going to hurt you the least. If she rejects your friend request, are you then going to have to re-live some of the pain of losing this friend? I do agree that, if you send a friend request, a “I’d like to know how your life is, are you ok?” message with it is a good idea. It sounds like your friendship–at least on the level it used to be–is probably dead, but perhaps if she’s agreeable, you can start with FB friendship and see where it leads from there.

    By the way, I too have trouble finding girl friends, so I feel your pain. I wish so much that we lived closer! Oh, and Terra, I haven’t been able to keep up with your blog (or mine) this summer and I really, really miss that connection! See, I’m even a bad internet friend.

    • Terra July 21, 2010 at 4:12 PM #

      It’s okay – I’m a bad internet friend too πŸ™‚ And I wish so much that we lived closer to each other! For now, we’ll just have to settle for occasional visits, and that’s better than nothing πŸ™‚

  15. H to the Izzo July 22, 2010 at 12:12 PM #

    I scrolled to the bottom of comments and laughed at the surprise picture of Andrew making whatever face he’s making in that baseball stadium photo under “photgraphic evidence”.

    LOL

  16. titus2woman July 23, 2010 at 3:06 AM #

    First off, I know we are way different, but I happen to think you are AWESOME!!!! I have TONS of respect and admiration for you. I miss you, too!

    I liked your Mom’s advice. I know how hard it is putting yourself out there, but just be you. Embrace what is now. I’ve been learning to do this myself and have become more content, even without the friends that all moved away and the ones I’ve tried to make now~who answer all my questions with the back of their head facing me, looking into the face of someone else. It’s okay. I’m not the person I used to be, and I guess getting to know me now is the me with all kinds of baggage. Not as much fun as the ‘ole perky sandi, I’m sure…. (((((HUGS))))) sandi

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The ex-best friend dilemma resolved, a pirate & that time we chased a bat around the house. « questionable rationale - July 26, 2010

    […] Jul First, thank you to all of you who shared your thoughts on my ex-best friend facebook dilemma. I thought about it for a few days and came to the conclusion that stressing out over it really […]

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