The ex-best friend dilemma resolved, a pirate & that time we chased a bat around the house.

26 Jul

First, thank you to all of you who shared your thoughts on my ex-best friend facebook dilemma. I thought about it for a few days and came to the conclusion that stressing out over it really isn’t worth my time. Obviously the friendship we had when we 16 or 21 or 23 isn’t going to suddenly reemerge. Things aren’t going to go back to the way they were. Sending her a friend request or a message isn’t going to make things all better and ultimately, I’d hate to set myself up for more heartache. What’s done is done and maybe some things are better left in the past.

So – I’m doing nothing. For now. Having the ability to stalk, knowing her life seems to be going just fine, is perfectly priceless. Maybe something will change, maybe curiosity will get the best of me, but for now I’m taking the “if she were meant to be in my life she would be” stance.

Sunday was a weird day. Andrew spotted and pointed out a pirate at a random Exxon station on Broad Street. I kept telling Andrew it was a statue, but no, it was real, moving, living pirate. He was rocking a pirate beard, a blue and white stripped pirate shirt and a big ‘ole red bandanna.

Then, last night, as we’re watching Big Brother 12 in the living room, a fucking bat flies in from the chimney and starts flying around in circles.  We corralled the dogs in the basement, determined that the bat would just fly out if we opened the front door. Except for then the bat flew up the stairs and started circling in my office.

Andrew put on his bat hunter outfit, complete with leather jacket, scarf, goggles and mismatched gloves pulled hastily from the coat closet. He swatted at the bat with the broom a few times and we opened the upstairs balcony door but the bat refused to go anywhere near an escape route. All the bat wanted to do was roost.

Somewhere in the middle of all this I yelled out, “STOP! I’ve got to get my camera!!” because clearly, when there’s a fucking bat flying around my upstairs terrorizing my husband, the best thing to do is pause everything and run to get my camera. Clearly.

So there we all were, Andrew and I covered in random articles of clothing, yelling at the bat to go outside and the bat totally ignoring us and roosting on our air vent (yes, it is very dirty – I swear to heaven and hell we clean – things have just gotten much furrier since we got our second dog, so STFU) . I’d managed to sneak into my office while the bat was flying around in our upstairs hallway and open both the windows in there but the bat was still refusing to go anywhere that was not directly over our heads.

At this point, I started to feel sad for the bat. I was trying to Cesar Milan it into submission before it hurt it’s little bat self. I was so afraid it was going to have a heart attack and die in mid air and land on one of us and then we’d die from some horrible, probably made-up disease you get from dead bats. And really, if we’d killed it, I never would have forgiven myself because I’m just sort of crazy like that. Andrew says the bat was trespassing, but really, it was probably just trying to get cozy in the chimney when it ended up in our living room chased by two dogs.

Finally, the bat flew back into my office. I shut the door. And then, because bravery and terror make you do stupid things sometimes, I went into the room with the freaked out, slightly spastic, flying around in circles bat. I swatted at it but nothing was happening. I snuck back out, yelled for Andrew, who was on the phone with the police asking for guidance or help or something and told him I was going to do something very brave. He was on the phone though, so he totally ignored me as I yelled and bellowed and giggled.

When Andrew came upstairs I told him, again, that I was going to do a very brave thing. I was going to pick up the bat, and throw it out the damn window. Because I’d had enough of this shit and the bat was sitting, all polite like, on my bookcase, in a perfect position for capture.

I grabbed a hoodie from the closet, threw a jacket over my head to protect my ears and facial features from bat attack, snuck up on a chair, grabbed the bat with the hoodie, and threw the bat and my hoodie out the window.

Meanwhile, Andrew was on the floor, holding the broom up in the air yelling at me to “SHUT THE FUCKING WINDOW! SHUT THE FUCKING WINDOW!!! IT’S GONNA GET BACK IN!! LEAVE THE SWEATER – DROP THE DAMN SWEATER – WE CAN GET THE SWEATER TOMORROW!!”

Andrew would like everyone to know that it was very scary and that he almost got murdered because the bat almost flew and hit him in the head five times. And that he’s now Team Jacob, for sure.


15 Responses to “The ex-best friend dilemma resolved, a pirate & that time we chased a bat around the house.”

  1. H to the Izzo July 26, 2010 at 4:08 PM #

    I actually LOLd reading that. After a crazy day of dumb kids, thank you for that. Needed it.

  2. san July 26, 2010 at 4:12 PM #

    OMG! I think the closest I’ve ever come to a bat is seeing them circle around in the air one time.
    Having one in your house = scary!!!
    You did indeed do a very brave thing by capturing it with your sweater (how many times are you going to wash it?? ;)).

    • Terra July 28, 2010 at 7:11 AM #

      The hoodie is still outside, actually. I may have to wash it approximately 4,008 times before I wear it again.

  3. Arielle July 26, 2010 at 4:13 PM #

    I WOULD DIE. You are far braver than I, because I would have never ever gone near that thing. Nice work!

  4. KT July 26, 2010 at 4:28 PM #

    Ewwww. I hate bats. We have them flying around in our back yard at night and it is disgusting. I know that they serve a purpose, but that purpose is NOT to fly around in your house. Kudos for having the cajones to catch the damn thing and throw it outside!

  5. Ash July 26, 2010 at 4:40 PM #

    Most excellant job – I’m very proud of you for your bravery & courage, and also for your caring enough about a fellow animal to catch & release!

    You will now & forever be called the Bat Whisperer. In fact, I might just get you a tee with that on it!

    Too bad Andrew didn’t stop yelling long enough to grab the video camera & film it – America’s Funniest Home Videos, or at least YouTube!

    I’m sure your growing-up experiences with bats & birds in the house came in slightly useful. 😉

    Your Grandma will probably recoil in horror & lecture you about bat diseases.

    Now you know what you have to do, right? Reach up the chimney & shut the damper, which may not shut all the way in which case you may need to replace it. Ours doesn’t shut all the way & we seem to get a bird in the house at least once a year.

    They’re almost as hard to get out as bats, but not nearly as hard as the very much alive & healthy chipmunk that the cat brought in & let loose. I swear they can move at the speed of light!

    Great job, Bat Whisperer!

  6. Grandma July 26, 2010 at 7:59 PM #

    Since everyone has put in their two cents worth, decided I would do the same. As you remember, your old Gradma grew up in the Old West. When a bat flew in, my Mom would grab the dish towel and shew it out the door. It worked pretty well. The dish towel was very handy for shewing the flies out too. We had to find other ways to get the mice out. Occasionally, we there would be a big Rattlesnake on the steps to the front door. A hoe worked well for that.
    You are brave because you came from a pioneering family.

  7. Ash July 26, 2010 at 9:49 PM #

    Your Grandma is indeed very brave.

    Once, when you were a little crawling babe in Bedford, we were very lucky your Grandma was visiting. A huge Copperhead came right up on the porch where you used to crawl & play & your Grandma dispatched it very carefully due to its being around a concrete patch. Shot its fangy head off with the 30-30!

    She might have saved your life – hate to even think what a Copperhead bite would do to an 8 month old…


  8. Stacey Paradise July 27, 2010 at 8:30 AM #

    Stop it right now! We had a bat in our house a few years ago, and I was NOWHERE NEAR as brave as you! We woke up to Demon, our husky, pacing back and forth making a weird clicking noise with his teeth. I sat up, telling him to hush, and as I lay back down, I saw it. Flying in circles. ABOVE OUR FUCKING BED. Instantly, I jabbed Billy in his side and burst into tears, throwing the covers over my head. Let’s just say that it flew out of our room into the hallway. Billy spent 45 minutes getting the bat out of the house, while I sat in our bedroom with the pups and the door LOCKED (as though the bat would somehow let itself back into our bedroom?), crying and frantically asking Billy if he was ok. It was so not hilarious, and so very frightening. Funniest part? Billy attempted to get it out using a hoodie as well, only it got stuck on our blinds instead, so he pulled them off the window and threw them outside. Bats are ugly and gross!

    • Terra July 28, 2010 at 7:18 AM #

      I doubt I would have been as brave had I woken up to bat in my bedroom. I’m not sure what would have happened in that instance. Andrew and I might have just spent the night under the bedsheets fearing for our lives.

  9. Aly July 27, 2010 at 9:06 AM #

    Nawww, bat! Is it bad I think they’re cute? Although if I had one swirling around my head, I’d probably wail and cry. Better that than a big effing spider, though. Yick!

    • Terra July 28, 2010 at 7:19 AM #

      I agree – bats are a little cute, from a distance, and spiders are much more freaky as far as I’m concerned.

  10. Ash July 27, 2010 at 3:24 PM #

    Aly, I for one do NOT think it’s bad that you think bats are cute. Bats are an extremely important part of the ecosystem. Without them we’d all be down with West Nile or something – bats eat the mosquitos that carry many diseases, including heartworms in dogs.

    You can even buy Bat Boxes specially made to provide them a home outside your own home. Maybe thats what you should do, T. Give’em a place to roost outside…

  11. CuppyCakes July 28, 2010 at 4:39 AM #

    I only ever look at bats when they are safely confined in the arms of one of our vets or inspectors. Because dude… those things have fangs. .. FANGS ..
    You probably CAN catch something from dead bats, you know. Some kind of fever. I’m almost certain. Good thing you put on all your clothes. That was quick thinking!

    I’d have shit myself.


  1. Things I’m missing that start with “f”: part of my foot & a good chunk of my feminity « questionable rationale - July 28, 2010

    […] want to be the kind of girl who can wear heels. There’s this tiny part of me, in between the bat-whispering, combat boot-wearing, medicine cabinet-installing me, that wants to be a girly girl. Maybe […]

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