Things I’m missing that start with “f”: part of my foot & a good chunk of my feminity

28 Jul

Most days, I’m in my uniform, rocking out Army style with combat boots and that fucking wool hat that makes walking around in downtown Richmond in the 104 degree heat just a little bit better than climbing into an oven and taking a nap. Yesterday though, I got to play dress up. Instead of the boots and the long-sleeved uniform, that asshole of a hat and my hair twisted up in a bun, I donned a skirt, curled my hair and put on my highest pair of black heels.

It was a nice change. I hated having to dress up and wear heels every day at my last job, but now, getting to play dress up every now and then is kind of fun. I figured I’d rock the heels for an hour and two, finish up some other work tasks and get on with my bad self. And that would have been fine, except that instead of having to stand on heels for an hour or two, I ended up wasting my day away standing on gravel doing absolutely nothing for about 2 and half hours. And then, a part of my foot fell off.

See, I really want to be the kind of girl who can wear heels. There’s this tiny part of me, in between the bat-whispering, combat boot-wearing, medicine cabinet-installing me, that wants to be a girly girl. Maybe it’s Barbie’s fault. Maybe it’s society telling me I need to be more feminine and stop doing so much man shit, or maybe that’s all bullshit. Either way, there’s this little part of me, this tiny little smidge, that wants to wear heels and get manicures and pedicures and regular haircuts and accessorize better and have unchipped toenail polish and who knows how to put on eyeliner and blush. But dude – I’m not that girl. I’m really, really not.

I clomped around in heels for five hours yesterday. Two hours in, my feet were bruised because it was hot and they were swelling and there was fucking gravel everywhere and I kept falling all over the place because me and balance don’t get along very well and gravity is one swift bitch who takes me down at any chance she gets. And then, the blisters came and by the time I got in the car, I was ready to swear off all girly shit ever.

Gender roles are tricky little bitches, I guess.

As I walked barefoot into my house, heels in hand, I realized this is yet another lesson in balance. Everything always seems to come back to balance and I’m constantly trying to learn how to balance who I am with who I want to be and figuring out who I can’t be. I’m not a girly girl. I might want to be, but it just doesn’t work.

The moment we got home, I changed into my favorite pair of tattered jeans and a t-shirt. That’s just who I am. I’m a flip-flop kind of girl. I like my feet intact and I’m totally unwilling to trade parts of my foot for anything. Sure, I won’t leave the house without a hefty coating of mascara, and I love wearing my pearls with crap jeans and a simple t-shirt, and the occasional dress-up session is fine, so long as it doesn’t involve standing on gravel and has a cap of about two hours, but that’s about were it ends. I’m kind of a dude, minus the penis, and that’s okay.


14 Responses to “Things I’m missing that start with “f”: part of my foot & a good chunk of my feminity”

  1. Aly July 28, 2010 at 10:49 AM #

    Amen, sister. Nothing wrong with that AT ALL. I live in thongs (flip-flops, I KNOW, hehe) in winter too, since the cold doesn’t really bother me all that much.

  2. H to the Izzo July 28, 2010 at 10:56 AM #

    Haha. Balance is a good point. You are ALLOWED to have parts of you that want to be girly, and you get to decide how little or how much that is. Having that doesn’t make you any less a kick-ass army girl who wears jeans and t shirts. It doesn’t have to be a dichotomy. Also, not all high heels are miserable for hours. I have certain shoes that I only wear when I know I’m not going to be standing or walking a lot, and others that can rock a whole day and only be mildy uncomfortable by the end. Quality construction helps (and I don’t mean super expensive necessarily–I’ve never paid more than $50 for a heel).

    Please call me next time you are feeling girly and dressup and you know I’ll be happy to join.

  3. Stacey July 28, 2010 at 2:19 PM #

    I love shoes, as in, I’m obsessed with them. YET I most enjoy wearing flip flops. I guess I’d consider myself a girly girl, although I’ll never be one of those women who get manicures every week and pedicures every two weeks and gets dressed up to go to the gym. BUT I do love wearing dresses and accessorizing.

    Excited for Saturday! I’ll be there, in my flip flops 😉

  4. san July 28, 2010 at 3:08 PM #

    You know, I do try the girly girl thing every once in a while, but my body (especially my feet ;)) just protest… I get blisters faster than I can take my shoes off. I don’t know what it is…
    I am just most comfortable in jeans and flipflops as well.

  5. KT July 28, 2010 at 3:50 PM #

    Growing up a tomboy I never got into the girly girl stuff. I was too busy playing sports and kicking boys’ asses. 🙂

    Most days I leave for work without any makeup on. I wear pants all the time, trying to stay away from heels unless it is absolutely necessary. Once I get home I throw on shorts/jeans/sweatpants and a tshirt. I am comfortable and in my element.

  6. Ash July 28, 2010 at 4:22 PM #

    Terra, I have a different perspective on you than most do, given as I raised you, and I have to say you are definitely not “kind of a dude, minus the penis.”

    I don’t believe that being feminine resides in makeup and high heels and dresses – it resides within you. And you are one of the most naturally beautiful, naturally feminine, women I know. It doesn’t matter what you wear. It’s in the way you look at Andrew out of those dark and smokey eyes; it’s in the way you stand, the way you hold yourself, the way you move your body when you walk, the sway of hip and poise you carry yourself with.

    I think that growing up as you did, including living for three years without running water, the wolves, the years chasing sheep and chickens and ducks, with a mom who hardly ever wore makeup and actually hates it (seems like putting on a mask to me) that it’s only natural for you to be more comfortable in more comfortable clothes like bare feet or flip flops and raggedy jeans.

    But in high school you went through an amazing transformation, as you embraced drama and modeling, and learned all the technical skills to be what our society calls a girly girl. You learned so much then, like how to walk in heels and how to carry yourself – and that stayed with you even though you then went back to the more rugged woman you were raised to be, and joined the Army.

    I’m terribly envious of your ability to always look pulled together, beautiful, and confident no matter what you have on, and to dress up and be internally comfortable with it, something I never learned.

    Some women do come across as somewhat masculine to me.

    But never, ever, you.

  7. Lara July 28, 2010 at 4:23 PM #

    You are totally a girly girl. Don’t ever think you’re not feminine!

    Other comments are so right on. There are definitely different shoes for different occassions and it sounds like you would’ve been fine had you not been STANDING IN GRAVEL FOR HOURS! Geesh! Poor little feet! (I bet you still looked hot though!)

    I love girlie stuff and have way too many shoes (that I never wear). I wear tees and jeans every day because taking care of my mom and my dad’s construction company isn’t really a skirt/heel kinda job. I have had ONE mani/pedi my entire life. I also never leave the house w/out eyeliner but I also know how to work on a car engine, shoot guns and lay brick.

    You’re right. It’s all about balance. Just don’t beat yourself up because you’re not the type to prance all over town in 4″ heels every day. Those women’s feet are killing them too.

    Oh, and try this stuff (cut little pieces and put it on your shoes where you get blisters… not your feet). It’s a miracle worker!

  8. Rhiannon July 28, 2010 at 4:54 PM #

    For what its worth,ive always thought of you as exceptionally feminine.

  9. Grandma July 28, 2010 at 8:43 PM #

    I couldn’t decide what to say, except that I always hated high heels. I had a real good excuse for not wearing them, If I did I would tower over the guys. You can wear very feminine shoes that aren’t four inch heals. I worked right in the fields with men and boys, rode horseback, played every sport available and never doubted that I was feminine and the guys didn’t seem to either. To me it is not an issue. What you wear or even makeup is not what makes a woman feminine, it is who she is inside.
    The biggest difference between then and now is that girls wouldn’t dare to curse the way they do now. It was alright for the men, but not around the girls.
    You are a gorgeous young woman and I am extremely proud of you and that you have made it to Staff Sergeant in the military. You are tough and feminine.

  10. Robyn July 29, 2010 at 3:49 PM #

    I’m actually really similar to you! I spend my working hours tramping around steel toe capped boots and some really attractive bright blue overalls, smelling like animal shit (and I actually love it). And when I get home I wear baggy jeans, t-shirts and flat shoes. But secretly, although I despise girly girls, I really enjoy putting on a nice dress and heels and makeup and doing my hair.

  11. titus2woman July 31, 2010 at 8:56 AM #

    HHHMMMMM… I think you are perfectly YOU just the way you are, and I would never have thought to consider you masculine. Maybe you’re thinkin’ “Legally Blonde” when we think girly-girl? While I loved that movie, *THANK GOD!* that doesn’t hafta be it!

    As far as heels are concerned, I wore them with dresses of my high school career. Somewhere in my twenties I stopped and never looked back~even if it means tennies with a dress. Ugly, I know, but I’m not gonna be uncomfortable for ANYBODY! (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  12. Karen August 1, 2010 at 8:08 AM #

    I totally agree. I am planning to go to a job fair in a few weeks and my biggest worry right now is that I will ave to wear high heels for two days and walk around a lot.
    In summer you will find me wearing flip flops 99% of the time, and I don’t wear skirts very often. I just prefer jeans or capris. I wonder if the girls who wear high heels all the time actually find them comfortable or if they just have a really high pain threshold because I find it agonizing when high heels give me blisters and make my feet hurt.

  13. cinderski August 4, 2010 at 12:03 AM #

    Ha. Dude without a penis. You kinda described me to a T. Except I know how to use blush, cos otherwise I look dead.

    Love your blog!

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